The slip and slide of moral decay

Hasta La Vista, Blogger!

2005-03-25T12:16:00.000-05:00

Hey Folks!
Sorry for the disappearing act. I've been really busy at the job that pays me (poorly, but pays nonetheless), and I've also been working on moving away from Blogger - the bane of my existence lately!

I'm happy to say that I've done it!!!!! I've got a new site. Ready for the address?

It's http://slipandslide.blogsome.com/ ... a real departure, right? :)

Everything's the same (as far as links and stuff go), and I've got a link on the new site that'll take people back here if they (or I , in a moment of ego stroking) want to read some of the old stuff!

So, y'all come on over and see me in my new digs!!!!!

The following is on my new site, too...

Couple of notes before I sign off til Monday.
1) BR - mailed your Palmetto Ale today. And then did as you instructed in your email. Thanks! And Thanks for the help in making the move away from Blogger…
2) I hope y’all make a note of my new address and keep on coming back, cuz now that k-ball season’s about to start, i’m gonna have a LOT of very interesting stuff on here…
3) Blogger - goodbye. farewell. and SUCK IT!

Blogger Screwed Me!

2005-03-21T08:36:00.000-05:00

I finished an audio post Saturday night/Sunday morning (3:15AM) for the Blogging Challenge, and it's not here!!!! Our theme was Goldilocks and the Three Bears and I had a great real life example...

BR - trust me. I did NOT bail on this one (AL - saw your comment, too. and I swear to GOD i thought i posted). even the call log on my phone backs me up! (2:59AM 3/20/05)

my whole deal was themed around how crappy posting's been lately...

1) jerk roommate put a password lock on his 'puter - preventing me from posting.
2) friend's dial-up connection sucked - especially with Blogger's issues lately
3) the phone-in audio post worked just right...

dammit dammit dammit!

It's Better Than "Screech"...

2005-03-18T15:58:00.000-05:00

I've been told more than a few times that I look like Ben Savage. What celebrity do you resemble?...

Happy Hangover Day!

2005-03-18T10:46:00.000-05:00

We had a St. Patty's Day Party at work last night. You know - the usual cupcakes, l'il smokeys in BBQ sauce, potato decorating contest, and jello shots that could strip paint made by the college intern...

Here's the first of many beers I drank last night...I never went the green beer route, I'm proud to say.

That's me, doing the post-horrific-jello-shot-that-did-something-weird-to-my-spinal-cord dance.

Potato #9's mine - you can't see in this pic, but he's got five aces in front of him. He's the Five Card Spud! I came in second behind number 10 - A friggin' hula dancin' potato. I think the contest was rigged...

I was still fairly responsible and got myself home at 12:15, as I had a 9AM meeting this morning that required my brain to be running on at least 3/4 of a tank...

I'm gonna blow through my work today, so that I can get crackin' on the Blogger Challenge III - The City That Never Sleeps vs. The Sleepy City.

And to the person that suprised me at Dengate's last night when they told me they are a daily reader...thanks! That was kinda cool! I was flattered, embarrased, happy, and touched - as opposed to the way I like my Waffle House hash browns: shamed, defiled, disrespected, and sullied.

Say What?!

2005-03-16T12:19:00.000-05:00

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been paying (more) attention to the conversations that go on around me as I go through my day. I'm not eavesdropping, but you know when you're walking down the sidewalk, and you just hear a snippet of somone else's conversation? You just keep on walking, go about your business. I've just been wondering about the context in which these conversations are taking place - what was said before? what was said afterwards?

Do y'all ever wonder about this kind of stuff, too?

Well, lately I've been writing down the snippets that really jump out at me. There's no rhyme or reason to them, or the order in which they appear.

1) "We can party with the best of them!" followed by a high five between two of the dorkiest dudes i've ever seen at O'Reilly's Pub.

2) "Lindsey had yet ANOTHER tragic problem, so OF COURSE she calls ME..." One blonde with more make up on than Krusty the Klown to her girlfriend. No clue what the friend looked like, because I was freaked out by the living wax figure that was walking toward me on King Street...

3) "The women never sleeps! All she thinks about is guacomole!" y'all. i couldn't make this one up if i tried! This one was one guy talking to someone on the phone while sitting at the bar. I SOOOO WISH I KNEW WHO THIS GUACOMOLE WOMAN WAS AND WHAT SHE'S ALL ABOUT!

4) "There were some oysters slippin' out of my left tooth!"The only discernible thing that I heard from a guy singing karaoke at the Island Grill. During one of the instrumental breaks, he felt the need to tell everyone a story, and this was part of it. I wish I could go back in time and listen to it again.

Left tooth?!? Does he only have two teeth? I don't remember... Why were oysters SLIPPIN' out of his mouth to begin with?!?

Don't Go to New Bern, NC on a Sunday Evening - And Other Bits of Wisdom

2005-03-14T18:27:00.000-05:00

DIET PEPSI AND CORNED BEEF. THAT'S WHAT WE'RE SERVING.

But we're just looking for a quick bite, like a couple of sandw-

NO CORNED BEEF?! YOU MUST WANT STEAK THEN! YOU LOOK LIKE A STEAK GUY! THE OUTBACK'S JUST A COUPLE BLOCKS DOWN THE ROAD, AND -

hiches cuz we're heading home and we really aren't in the moo-

TWO BLOCKS DOWN TAKE A RIGHT AND IT'S RIGHT THERE. YOU CAN'T MISS IT!

d for that kinda stuff.

Bless New Bern's heart. They mean well.

In Other News:

After moving through the WAKA ranks like crabs through a dorm room, I'm setting my presidential term of Charleston Kickball down for a season. In the past year, I've been a Team Captain, Social Chair (2x), the Ghost Man (newsletter writer/editor), and President.

I'm going to take it easy this season, and just write your friendly neighborhood Ghost Man on Third weekly newsletter this season. The first edition will be out two weeks from today! I email it to our 400+ players each week from now through July...

I'll be sure to post each addition on here for your reading pleasure, too...Can't friggin' WAIT for k-ball to start!

This site is getting ready to wake from a loooooong winter's nap, and step it up a bit...

Thank You For Being A Friend

2005-03-10T18:25:00.000-05:00

Thanks, Viv, for giving a bonehead that thinks everyone gets his 7th grade sense of humor some credit.

And I mean that sincerely...

Before I Start TiVo'ing Dr. Phil...

2005-03-09T18:23:00.000-05:00

I just realized that the last two posts I put up were chock full o' baby pictures! The first was just a random photo pulled from Google, and the one right below this is my best friend's beautiful newborn baby daughter...

But just to even the field a little, here's a burp, and Grave Digger kickin' some ass for you! Hell Yeah!

Like A Chocolate Chip Cookie Right Out of the Oven...

2005-03-09T17:50:00.000-05:00

...I'm all gooey inside right now!

One of my best friends - we've been friends since we met in fourth grade - just had a baby daughter. Well, actually his wife gave birth to her...

Love ya, Doc - and Mrs. Doc. And I haven't met you yet, little booger, but I love you, too.

One of My Favorite Things

2005-03-08T16:28:00.000-05:00

I haven't gotten a really good night's sleep in about a week. Last night, I went to sleep after watching "The Contender" (I really liked the show, by the way). I woke up, feeling a little tired, but otherwise pretty refreshed. When I picked my head up off the pillow and looked at my clock, IT WAS ONLY 12:30!!!!! I still had 6 1/2 hours to sleep!!! I friggin' LOVE when that happens! I actually laughed out loud before putting my head back on the pillow and dreaming about racing go-carts with Cute Girl With Whom I've Been Spending My Time.

And if you're reading this, CG, we were racing on a dirt track and we totally left everyone else in the dust...strange, I know, but true... Probably all the talk about Frankie's and our Dinner at King Street Grill...

"mmmm...go-carts...hamburgers...boobies..."

The Devil Went Down to Charleston - or - Fun With Audio!

2005-03-07T12:16:00.000-05:00

Now that I know how to do these things, I think my walks to and from lunch will become a bit more interesting. Can you say "Random Interview with Random Person?"

I know I said I'd also do "What the Hell Was That?!?" over the weekend, but nothing happened that you wouldn't be able to immediately recognize. Except for Tony's speaking abilities Saturday night. Perhaps I should've recorded him at 9:30, and again at 1:30...

Zish ish Gicgkbawllll Shoopurshhhtrrrr shiyinng offfffff.

To Dodge or Not to Dodge: That Is the Question

2005-03-06T12:09:00.000-05:00

I was recently asked to comment on whether or not I thought that dodgeball was olympic sport material or a monumental waste of time.

No-brainer here, people.

While many of you might think that Kickball and Dodgeball are playground pals, and the two live happily after, mocking tetherball and that weird basketball hoop thing with the four chutes coming out of it, you'd be sorely mistaken. Kickball and dodgeball are mortal enemies.

That's right - mortal enemies. Oil and water. Sharks and Jets. Salt and Coffee.

I know that dodgeball has met with some recent popularity what with Vince Vaughn/Ben Stiller movie, but that's all it's got going for it.

I played both sports when I was growing up, and liked 'em both - but then again, I was usually one of the biggest kids in class. I've pegged many a kid on the dodgeball court, and booted my share of deep balls on the kickball field. But after about 14, I realized something.

Dodgeball is mean.

The smaller kids get picked last, the nerds and geeks (who are now the bosses and CEO's of people like me) were the first to taste room-temperature rubber. It's a sport of exclusion where the goal is to get rid of kids on the other side, til you've got no one to play with.

Kickball, on the other hand, is open to any and all. Sure it helps to be faster or stronger, but you don't have to be. As long as you can kick (even if it's just the dreaded bunt), and catch, you can play. And instead of eliminating the other team from the field, you play your little hearts out against each other the whole time, and shake hands when it's over.

Over the past year, the opportunity to play both sports as an adult has come to our sleepy little town. I can proudly say:

I'm not only a kickballer, but I'm also the President.

And we are 400 strong in town - and tens of thousands strong across the country. Guys and girls drinking beers, 40's (OE - it busts a cap in all the other malt liquors, yo!), "go-juice" and the occaissional bottle of water or Gatorade. Hell, I've been known to smoke a cig while waiting for my pitch. We're approaching our 4th season in a few weeks, and I can't wait to see everyone on the fields again. I explain our cadre of kickers as "A drinking club with a kickball problem."

Co-ed Dodgeball is struggling here. But what do you expect? K-ball is a great way to meet singles in a quasi-active, fully social environment. How do you expect to get a girl's number in dodgeball after beaning her in the face?!? "How 'bout a cold beer for that shiner I gave you?" Ain't cuttin' in my book.

Dodgeball? Please.

Now if you'll excuse me, this President of Kickball has a summit to attend, where I'm meeting the Premier of Tetherball, and the Shah of Four-Square to impose sanctions on dodgeball and draft the Playground Peace Accords...

And This One Pisses Me Off

2005-03-04T11:49:00.000-05:00

Dearest Vivian,

you screwed me. All my old comments are gone now. Miss Nobody tried to help me, but when I put her fix in, it made my site text get smaller and smaller until you couldn't read it...

Woman - you best hit me back and help me here...

This Post Makes Me Happy

2005-03-04T10:52:00.000-05:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

...ahh....can you feel the tension leave? Do you hear the calm in my voice? Can you smell what the rock is cooking?

Thanks, Viv. Blogger's commenting capabilities have been Sucky McDon'tWork lately. So I dropped 'em like they was hot once I learned how easy it was to do! I kinda screwed it up though, cuz now all the comments that used to be on my posts are gone...little help? anyone? bueller? steve?

...you should, too...

Oh. And Minnesotans - I haven't forgotten...we's about to drop some knowledge on thee.

Let's Get Ready to Rumble!

2005-03-03T11:53:00.000-05:00

Shit - Do I have to pay Michael Buffer now?

So the fight's resolved and all's well with the world.

or so one would think...

The Clash in South Carolina made waves all the way to NYC, Texas, and Minnesota. That's right...Minnesota!

It seems that our little Lowcounty lovefest of bloggers has dopplegangers in other parts of the world.

But as the Highlander says, "There can be only one."

Bathroom Reading devised a great way to settle the argument of who are the kings and queens of this little hill.

So this week, Chucktown goes against Minnesota. Our topic is Dodgeball: Olympic Sport or Waste of Time? Little Miss Nobody, K-Lo, Jemima, and I will all be posting our thoughts, while simultaneously, in the Land that Time Forgot - and where Prince lives, bitches - they will be doing the same.

The Other Side stars:

MooCow at Bottling Up the Crazy, Jesster at Poor Role Model, Darkling_Child at First and Last and Always, Grend31 at Grend31’s Lair, and Mr. K at The Adventures of Mr. K

The gauntlet has been thrown...Stay tuned...

Hooooooooly Crap!

2005-03-02T14:25:00.000-05:00

The posts were flying today, people. Like pigeons in St. Peter's Square, shit was flying everywhere.

I just got in my first blogfight.

Let me start by admitting that I do have a penchant for chatting about my friends, family, job, shoe size, and the sheer joy of reduced-fat wheat thins. A few months ago, I made a comment to a couple of co-workers about a friend of mine who is a fellow blogger, at which time I gave her address. I then competely forgot about the issue.

Recently, said person was "outed" after trying to remain quasi-anonymous all these many months. Said person has begun (?) to hear about and be asked about her blog quite a bit lately. So, after initially directing her venomous posting and subsequent yanking of my link from her site, I apologized but politely informed that I haven't said JACK about her site in many moons.

There are some inquisitive folks in our sleepy little burg, it seems.

Just last night, I learned that there’s someone in town looking to do a story on Charleston bloggers. Why? Slow news week, and a year behind the curve are my only guesses. But to each his/her own...

Back to the fight.

After said venom-spitting and link-pulling, some not-so-nice comments were made about me. Pretty much the standard, garden-variety “you suck” type deal, but they stung nonetheless (I can be a delicate flower at times).

I defended myself as best I could, but was rapidly becoming the pariah of the Lowcountry Bloggers (Similar to the Pink Ladies, but without the jackets, and close calls with Kinicky).

Luckily, an anonymous poster from Boston came to my aid, pointing out that while one may think their blog is similar to whispering and passing notes in homeroom, it’s more akin to grabbing a bullhorn and shouting from the top of The Capitol.

Things have smoothed over, and I am now back in the good graces of my compadres.

Funny thing about this internet, it speeds EVERYTHING up. While a fight like this might normally take a week or so to blossom, blow up, and resolve, we knocked this one out of the park in about 72 hours.God bless Al Gore.

LMN - You're a peach.

And The Winners Are...

2005-03-01T16:51:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the delay, everyone. I went out on an impromptu date last night, and well, let's see...new post on my site...smooch on the cute girl i recently started seeing...

I'm going to go with "Smooch the Cute Girl" for $200, Alex...

Anyway,
While there were a bunch of funny captions that y'all submitted (thanks by the way!), there were two that I thought rose to the top.

They are:

Jim was a little shy but he thought the best thing for him to do was to jump right in, get his feet wet and then introduce himself to the woman monitoring the surveilance camera.

# posted by Melina : 10:59 PM

AND

Hitch-hiked her way across the USA.
Plucked her eyebrows on the way,
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, Hey babe...Look at my gay ass orange sweatshirt.

# posted by The Show : 3:40 AM

Melina and The Show - well, not The Show, since I know who you be - send me an email and let me know where I should send you brand spankin' used WAKA Kickball! It's fun for the whole family. If you're family loves beer-soaked debauchery, that is...

Melina - If you don't wanna give me your address (and who could blame you in these crazy times), just let me know and we'll figure it all out.

Thanks everyone for playing! Next week's game is a brand spankin' new one called, "What the Hell is That?!?" that involves some audio posts, so be on the lookout for that Monday morning. (Methinks I'll hear some weird shit over the weekend...)

Your friend in Jeebus,
-KS

...And the Envelope Please...

2005-02-28T11:56:00.000-05:00

No, not the Oscars - I've got to award the two balls from last week’s contest (You guys are great! There’s some funny in there!), but work is kicking me in the butt today, so I won’t be able to announce the winners in the fashion worthy of their efforts until tonight. So, check back with me late-night tonight or tomorrow morning to:

See! - if you’ve won the caption contest
Hear! - about my improv comedy recital that was last week! I might even be able to throw some video or at least some pictures in, too…I'm absolutely signing up for level two!
Read! - the “Seven Weird-Ass Things I Overheard While Minding My Own Business” (here’s a tease: “Her baby looked all weird and creepy! What are you supposed to say in that situation?!?”)
Get your fix of useless trivia, stupid observations, and my vain attempts to win your affections…

That’s all until tonight, folks…
KS

The Photo Caption Contest is Back!

2005-02-23T10:29:00.000-05:00

Its been 3 months since the last Slip and Slide Photo Caption Contest, so I thought Id revive this ol chestnut - or walnut - if you prefer. Me? I like walnuts, but they make the roof of my mouth kinda tender and tingly. I think I may be mildly aller-

Oh. Sorry. Back to the contest. I was thinking that with kickball registration just a few weeks away, and the fact that I still have some gear from last season in the trunk of my car, that I'd give away two - thats right - two kickballs this time! So the two best captions for the picture below will receive a slightly used, but tremendously loved official WAKA kickball, so you can get your practice on...if youre into that sort of thing.

Just post your caption as a comment. Funniest caption wins. And being the megalomaniacal, yet wonderfully charming, author of this site, I get to decide which caption wins. Bribes are accepted and encouraged.

Contest ends Friday, 2/25 at 5PM, and Ill let everyone know who be da winner on Monday. Contest void in Guam, Tegucigalpa Honduras, the Isle of Wight, and Shermer Illinois. No assembly required. See store for details.

Kohler just wasn't trying in their
advertisements anymore...

People are Strange

2005-02-22T17:19:00.000-05:00

Got a Secret? This site is Funny, weird, cool, and scary. Some of the stuff cracked me up. Other posts made the marrow in my bones crawl...

I'd ask if you had a secret, but I'm not sure I want to know now...

This is a great flick, by the way...

gooble gobble, gooble gobble - one of us, one of us...

This Post Brought to You by Texas Biscuit

2005-02-21T12:31:00.000-05:00

This one's courtesy of Texas Biscuit.

Here are the rules:

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

Here goes: (From Carrying the Flag: The Story of Private Charles Whilden, the Confederacy's Most Unlikely Hero)

Saunders Field became the slaughter pen of Warren's prediction. Northerners hunkered in the swale, where the roll of ground afforded protection so long as they stayed down, and bodies dotted the slope from the ravine to Ewell's line. Some Northern units, their ranks thinned during the charge, managed to crest the ridge, but the rebels dropped back in the woods, firing at the Union men sihoutted against the sky.

And just in case you were wondering:
1) This is not my book.
2) I live in South Carolina, which also means
3) I'm at work right now, and that book was readily accessible...

Corrections:

2005-02-17T17:31:00.001-05:00

The Editor would like to correct the following statements and actions that occurred from 2/10 - 2/17:

I will say, though, that I was very well behaved and don't have much to repent for this week...sweet!

1) Eating Taco Bell twice in one day. I love you Enchiritos, but you don't love me.

2) Not getting my car stuff taken care of yet. I'm almost there, though, so this one will NOT be appearing next week.

3) DAMMIT! Not calling my 2 year old nephew yesterday for his birthday! I just realized that!!!! DAMMIT! Bad Uncle! Bad Uncle! Here's a picture of The Kickball Superstar's nephew - Guitar God in Training...

Uncle Superstar is Awesome!

4) Not playing music this week! TP and MM - cancel whatever plans you had, because it's time to Plug In and Win!!! Besides, SEWE's in town this weekend anyway, so downtown's gonna be a MADHOUSE...

I think that's it. Besides the oodles of issues that I have that will take a Prozac prescription and a kick in the ass before they're corrected...

Superstar. Out.

PS - I've been in a bit of a "quiet period" as of late, but that's gonna change. take heart. There's a reason for this season...

You Say It's Your Birthday?

2005-02-15T09:07:00.000-05:00

It's their birthday too, yeah!

Chris Farley, Matt Groening, Galileo Galilei, and Susan B. Anthony - just to name a few.

If it's your birthday today, then happy birthday to you...and I'll see you later tonight.

This...Ain't CNN

2005-02-11T16:45:00.000-05:00

I miss snow cuz making snowmen is fun.

I like karaoke. I would not enjoy this karaoke, however.

Death of a Salesman is a great play.

Guys. Let this be a lesson to you. Never, EVER refuse your lady when she wants some lovin'....Oh. my. GOD!!!!

This Ain't Your Mama's "People" Magazine!

2005-02-09T13:15:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Anonymous Coworker, I've come across some great sites recently.

One I read today made me laugh cuz I thought about when Miss Nobody and I brainstormed up Burka magazine...While Burka may be a potential good read, the one below one would make a MINT!!!!

Honesty Magazine - I'd read it...

Where's the Funny?

2005-02-08T11:39:00.000-05:00

It wasn't here last night, that's for sure! Class was ROUGH! I was still sore from our victory at the Bruce Head Bowl (the annual two-hand touch football game played by everyone at work.), and I was feeling a little run down and tired. Not to mention that class was hotter than Hades!

I don't think that anyone in the class was feelin' the funny last night though. We were all dragging and very hesitant to get on stage. I think that it may be partly due to the fact that our recital is only a few weeks away, and it's starting to sink in now. We're really only days away from performing on stage! No breaking out of scene, no "Can i do that over again?" no more "I need someone to come up on stage with me." It's gonna be on! And people will be watching us!

I think everything is gonna work out fine, but I'm still anxious...

Perhaps I should just get up there and do this...

Jay and Not-so-Silent Todd!

2005-02-07T11:23:00.000-05:00

Sweet! I’m Odd Todd’s “Sunday Blogger!” It's sorta the “Blog o’ the Week” if you will…

and I will!

For those of you who don’t know who Odd Todd is, click on his link in my “Groovy” section, or, for those of you who have the attention span of a gnat on speed, here’s the short version: (you can also click here to find out more)

Todd was laid off from his job a few years ago, and has created GREAT cartoons about what it’s like to be laid off – they’re hilarious!

He also has great features like:

And TONS more!

I started checking his site out on a daily basis three years ago at my old job, and thought it was great.

Then I got laid off – and that’s when it became even better!

For Todd’s fans that stopped by cuz you saw my link on his site – thanks! Hope you come back regularly! Things are about to get really exciting, as I’ve got some huge things coming down the line in the next few weeks/months:

New house
New job (?) more on that soon…
Kickball season is starting soon
Improv Comedy class recital in three weeks…

And then the regular ‘ol daily junk that happens to us all and is the REAL fun stuff!

In the meantime, feel free to take a look around my site, or jump back to todd and check out those ‘toons!

CORRECTIONS:

2005-02-02T13:30:00.000-05:00

The Editor would like to correct the following statements and actions that occurred from 1/26 – 2/02:

“I’ll totally invite you to my comedy recital.” – remark made to a coworker. I won’t invite you cuz you’re kind of a jerk, and I know it now.
I’d like to take back the text messages I sent to She Who Knows Exactly What Buttons To Press In Order To Completely Frustrate Me over the course of this week. I need to let that one go…
Singing “We Built This City on Rock and Roll.” No one should ever have to hear that song – especially a karaoke version of it.
Getting that girl’s number after a friend’s party Friday night. I’m not going to call her. Not nice.
Not calling the girl who I met at the Comedy Festival two weeks ago. Now it’s too late, and I think it’d be weird to call her…
Resuming smoking. Damn, it’s hard to quit.
Talking too much in general. While I think it’s a great personality trait of mine to be able to talk to folks and whatnot, there’s something to be said for leaving a little mystery to oneself, too. I look forward to not having this one on my list next week.
Getting a speeding ticket. It’s gonna cost me. Boy, is it gonna cost me…

Anything you wanna correct/confess…c’mon – everybody’s doing it…

It's Coming...

2005-01-30T19:10:00.000-05:00

Wash your bobo socks, dust off the mix tape, stretch your hammies, and start flipping cups cuz - you guessed it - KICKBALL'S ALMOST HERE!

Registration is gonna open in a few weeks, so stay tuned right here for updates as I get 'em.

I can't wait! This year oughtta be very interesting...

Quick Inide Joke

2005-01-30T19:04:00.000-05:00

Ma - tell Zach that I laid "Nippy means meat!" on the Have Nots! Saturday night. But, I flipped it and said, "Meat means nippy."

And they got it (After some funny failed attempts, though!)!

Improv classes are awesome and this week we have an "open play date" for all levels that I'm going to. I'm only three weeks into level one and it's open to all three levels.

It's gonna get ugly. Funny ugly. Ugny.

Hopefully it'll be funnier than that crap I just typed...

Recital's in a month. If y'all are nice to me, maybe I'll invite you to it...

What Would You Do for 37,375 Klondike Bars?

2005-01-25T17:08:00.000-05:00

It may be shameless, but I'd do this. Would you?

It's only for a month, and it's not like it says "Ask Me How to Enlarge Your Member!" or "Ace of Base Forever!" or, even worse, "W" ....shudder...

You Choo-Choo-Choose Me!

2005-01-21T11:43:00.000-05:00

A few days ago I was louded out about being intrigued by Miss Sarcastic, AKA She Who Knows Exactly What Buttons To Press In Order To Completely Frustrate Me.

I believe the statement made was, "Smells like a crush to me."

Being the PR person that I am, I am expertly trained in being able to talk and say nothing, or answer questions without really answering if need be (quasi-shady traits, I know - but traits that have come in handy a few times.) So, gauntlet thrown, I chose to dodge, by responding with the question, "What does a crush smell like?"

What I got back was sheer poetry.

"What a crush smells like: Remember when you were a kid and on Valentine's day you had to hand out the obligatory spaceman or Bugs Bunny themed paper valentines? A crush smells like the bag you toted your valentines and candy home in.

If you were the kid that never got a valentine, the smell of the inside of the plastic pumpkin you went trick or treating on Halloween with is a pretty close approximation of what a crush smells like."

Kelly hit it spot on. When you get a chance, you should check out what she's up to...

Friday Cartoon Fun

2005-01-21T03:04:00.000-05:00

Just going through some archived stuff and came across these golden oldies, and thought I'd bring 'em back to the top o' the blog...

Enjoy!

Cute 'lil bunny...(guaranteed to be forwarded to everyone)

Me and dating...(my all-time favorite)

Silliness (you should really check out this whole series)

PS - Kickball is only 3 months away...

I hung out with the kball guys - the FOUNDERS of kickball - tonight, and it was GREAT. More on that after I get some sleep and recuperate a bit...

Show Me the Money!

2005-01-20T18:32:00.000-05:00

Got a raise yesterday. It ain't much, but it's a start...I'm still weighing a few options, but I think i'm gonna be stickin' round here, y'all.

In lieu of being witty (i'm too tired. I wrote a Q&A for a client that's going up in front of Congress this morning, followed by a million other projects that have sucked my brain dry), here's what I sent the player's in this year's BruceHead Bowl. The BHB is one the things that make our agency really cool and unique and kinda like a family. It's a flag (or two hand touch) football game that's played each year on Super Bowl Sunday. When I wrote it, it reminded me of the emails that I sent out as El Jefe. I can't wait for Kickball to start up again...

Enjoy!

Allright BruceHead Ballers, Bashers, Bruisers, and Beauties -

The teams have been formed, and the lines have been drawn. But, before the smack talk starts flying like snowballs at a fat kid, there are a few announcements that need to be made.

1) TEAM NAMES. YOU NEED ONE. AND YOU NEED TO KEEP IT A SECRET UNTIL 1/28/05.

Soultakers, Black Satin Panties, White Trash. Names that struck fear in the hearts of men and women of the gridiron in years past. Team names are an important part of this game. I mean, who's your money going on - The Death Dealers or The Cuddly Fuzzy Bunnies?

All bets are off with this one, too. Wanna call your team the Bad Ass Bitches from Bangladesh? Do it. Jack Prozac and the Pill Poppers? Great. Rue McLanahan's Many Lovers? Feel Free.

So, pow wow with your new teammates and come up with a name. The deadline is Friday, January 28th. Don't tell the other team about your name. Keep it secret! We will unveil the team names at the Last Friday of the Month Lunch.

2) GAME RULES. PLAY BY 'EM AND NO ONE GETS HURT - PHYSICALLY, THAT IS...

The rules will be spelled out at the Jan 28th lunch, as well. But in short, this is a two-hand touch football game. Contact is allowed and encouraged (especially after a few drinks), but headhunting or knocking the snot out of someone will result in the immediate pantsing, pointing, and taunting of the offender - followed by a March of Shame down Broad Street.

3) PARTY LIKE IT'S A RENTAL!

Bad Boy James Briggs is being kind enough to invite us all over to his apartment for a post BruceHead, pre Super Bowl party! More details to come from Johnny SoHo himself as we approach the big day...

In case you missed the staff meeting, or took a mule kick to the head during lunch, the teams (simply named "Black Team" and "White Team" for the time being) are posted in the kitchen. I don't have your spouse/significant other/dude that left you at the prom for that hot chick in the IROC's email address, so feel free to pass this on to them so that they're in the loop.

If you have questions, feel free to keep them to yourself in a tiny ball of rage stuffed deep within the pit of your stomach, and let them out at a completely inappropriate time. Like a Culture Lab or a church sermon.

OR, send me an email or give me a call. See you 'round the office, and on the field - where unless you're on my team, you will taste pain, loss, frustration, shame, and embarrassment like a Bill's fan on Sunday

-Coach Stecher

Meet: The Nephew - And a Little Dilemma

2005-01-18T21:38:00.000-05:00

My nephew came down with my parents to visit me and take a look at the college. I think it's safe to say he like it. A lot. Scary lots. And I couldn't be happier. It will be really nice to have some kinfolk down here, he says in his best South Cackalacky accent - then spits into a spitoon across the room - pa-TING!

My boy even got a shirt from the school. I just hope he gets in. But what am I worried about? He's kin, right? And anyone that shares these genes is smarter than your average bear...

Speaking of above-average-bears, my nephew's got skills behind the camera, no? I think it's safe to say that he likes our little sleepy town...89 pictures says so. Good luck & Godspeed, little doodle. I'll be thinking of you come skinny envelope/fat envelope time of year...

Now - I'm posed with a bit of a dilemma too. After six years down here, I finally have the chance to have some family down here near me. The 500 mile buffer is great at times, and it really sucks at times too. That's not the dilemma, though.

Here 'tis.

I've got prospects that could potentially pull me outta here. I'll go kicking and screaming, because I don't want to leave this town. It bowled me over as much as it did Nephew Who Now Loves The Holy City the first time I saw it. And it still does. But unless some things start going a little more my way in the foldin' money way, I'm gonna have to pull up stakes.

Are a city and all the friends you've made over a few years worth clawing to make ends meet? Couldn't I just as easily visit said friends and city from a new city if I was making more moolah? Couldn't I spread a little more kickball love in a new town? Or does the comfort of knowing a boatload of people down here, and having good friends in a beautiful city outweigh material needs? And they're not wants, people - they're needs. I need to make more money. Living with roommates is not cool once you've lived on your own.

So, to summarize: I love this town. Nephew loves this town. I love Nephew. I love my job. I do not love my financial situation.

Thoughts? And mom, you stay out of this one. Let the other three readers weigh in...

Oh yeah, and I'm taking improv comedy classes - and they RULE!!! More about them soon...

Meat: The Parents - and a little fishing experiment...

2005-01-17T17:20:00.000-05:00

So my mom and dad brought my nephew down to Chucktown this weekend for a tour of the college, as he's amped about going here. (Editor's Note: Please forget that I just used the word 'amped' in a sentence. That's just as bad as using the word 'party' as a verb, which one should NEVER do after the age of 30.)

While it's always exciting, fun, comforting, a little grating, slightly frustrating, deargodwhat'sgoingonarethesereallymyparentsbutIstillloveyouwithallmyheartanyway, we did a LOT of eating this weekend! What is it about families getting together that dictates it's time to gorge?

In the 72 hours that the three of them descended on Charleston, I descended on:

Way too many appetizers split for just the four of us at Meritage. Lobster Mashed Potatoes are so good, you'd smack your mom for more.
Two poached eggs w/mushroom gravy and ham, a bowl of grits, collard greens, and cornbread.
Two slices of Edie's Favorite, and a plate of Cheesesticks at Andolini's (That one hurt me).
An ungodly amount of sushi at Wasabi.
Three pieces of fried chicken (that were so big, that I swear the only way that it made it to my plate was because it had been shot with tranq darts along with its velociraptor brethren), macaroni & cheese that screams HOME when you're eating it, and yet more collards. Jestine's - anything else is kid's stuff.
A big ass plate of Nachos.

And that was just me. My dad (who "couldn't believe that I was hungry") made the above look like Mary-Kate Olsen's Sunday brunch.

I've got to get in shape! Kickball is only three months away...

Got some good pics from this weekend, too. As soon as the old lady sends 'em down, I'll put some of 'em up!

I also hung with out with some folks from work that I normally don’t go “off the clock” with. It was a pretty interesting night! I’m really unsure of how much to put up here, because I know that some of them read this site from time to time. So, that said, Miss Sarcastic, AKA the Third Olsen Twin, AKA She Who Knows ExactlyWhat Buttons To Press In Order To Completely Frustrate ME – I’m intrigued as to why you can seem as “jaded” as you can come off as…

Mr. Cranky Pants

2005-01-14T10:57:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts, dear readers (read: Al, K, Mom, and maybe three or four others).

I have been a bitter, bitter man for awhile, and what has been at a low boil for a few month, is gaining heat, speed, and momentum by the minute.

I haven't really broken the blogging rule about talking about work on my site, cuz I don't wanna get dooced, but needless to say - I ain't a happy camper right now.

I've been debating whether or not to vent here about what's been going on, or just keep it all to myself - cuz all my drama's interrelated - personally and professionally. I've opted for choice 2, and I'm probably gonna stick with that for the time being. But, wheels are in motion. There are going to be some changes 'round these parts very soon - one way or the other.

Now, with that bit of weirdly ominous bit of self-serving unpleasantness aside, I will say that I will get back into my old blogging shape of at least three posts a week. Starting now. Even if it's to talk about how bad 8:30AM - 6:30PM (6:30 - that's laughable) was in nebulous, and vague clips and phrases. Or I may chuck it and start going at it with all the subtlety of a jackhammer. Cuz there's some potentially great reading here, folks - on the personal and professional sides of my fence. Trust me on that one.

Mr. Cranky Pants - out.

Take Eleventy-Two

2005-01-07T11:47:00.000-05:00

Check out the link below. I've tried hotlinking it, but everytime I do, all hell breaks loose, and I'm stuck with a blank post! Right, Miss Nobody? loveyoumeanit...

here's the link: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bunny.php

Now - I defy you to:

A) tell me that f'ing bunny ain't the cutest...
B) get that f'ing song out of your head...
C) not send this link to a bunch of your friends...

Happy Friday, y'all!

PS - the camera comes out with me this weekend, so be afraid...be very afraid....

2005: The Year of The Triumph

2005-01-03T17:58:00.000-05:00

Triumphs will be huge in '05...

I'm gonna set three goals this year, with the hopes of meeting two of them.

1) I will own a Triumph
2) I will meet and get Triumph the Insult Comic Dog's Autograph
3) I will triumph over this payscale I'm in...

Bets on which two get accomplished?

Sorry for the lack of posts. The past week was utterly non-eventful. Like pergatory non-eventful. LIke a night in Amish country non-eventful. Like "Damn, I wouldn't even mind if Mormons wanted to come and knock on my door and talk about Armageddon for awhile."

If You're Crazy and You Know It, Stab That Man!

2004-12-28T15:13:00.000-05:00

I missed Monday Metal Monday last night, as I was home sick (left work at 11:30 in the morning)!

I'll never laugh at another soul performing again. Can you believe this?!?! (if the stupid P&C makes you register for this story, here's the gist: Guy #1 laughs at Guy #2's singing. Guy #2 stabs Guy #1 with a knife. Jailarity ensues.

Big Ups to my friend who sent this bit o' news to me today...I believe his thoughts on this article were, "That's TOTALLY BLOGGABLE!"

I promised pictures - you GET pictures!

2004-12-22T16:28:00.000-05:00

These are from last Saturday's Post Work Holiday Party Party (you know, going to the bar where you're friends are at, see the post from 12/20 for more details)...

Lisa - I told you these would go up on a site....

"My eyes are not here, they're up here!"

"Seriously Dude! Dude, no, seriously!"...

Clearly pleased with my photographic prowess...

It's photos like this that will keep her from ever holding public office...

Purple and Green - it's the new Red and Orange!

Tommy? Calvin? Ralph?...Jay?...

2004-12-22T15:21:00.000-05:00

This kid's going home for the Holiday in a few hours. I'm sure that I'm gonna be loaded with good stories by the time I'm back in town - and just plain loaded, too...Merry Festivus, everyone!

A Potpourri of Posting

2004-12-20T10:22:00.000-05:00

This weekend was above average in the fun and deep-but-blatantly-obvious thought factor...
To give you a little background on the weekend:

Friday was just a standard "go out to the bars after work, and see where the night takes you" sort of thing.

Saturday was our company holiday party at the American Theater. It was Oscar-themed, and a co-worker and I stood in front of the Theater with mics and a cameraman (co-worker's boyfriend), and staged an "E!"-ish show we named "Maximum Fabulosity" or "Max Fab!" I was your hunky host, Buff Champion, and she was the beautiful, classy, and witty Britney Love-Hewitt Simpson Zeta-Jones Lohan! We pretended each of our co-workers were celebrities, and made stuff up and fake-interviewed them on the spot. They had no idea what hit 'em...

Sunday = a day of rest!

So, without further adieu - some of the things I learned this weekend (kind of in chronological order, where possible)...

1) You can rent waitresses at King Street Grille at a rate of $100 an hour.
2) Pool on 4 Red Bull & Vodkas, and a couple of Jager Bombs is challenging in a mind over simple motor skills kind of way...
3) I don't need to hang out with people who rent waitresses at a rate of $100 an hour.
4) Tequila is bad, mmmkay?
5) I can smoke two packs of cigarettes in one night.
6) No one should EVER smoke two packs of cigarettes in one night.
7) Improv comedy is TOUGH - but incredibly fun.
8) When I get nervous, I look around alot. Look at your co-host, Buff...
9) Never listen to others when it comes to fashion. If you like it - wear it, by god!
10) Jeans, and a suit jacket over a purple button down with an emerald green t-shirt underneath it is Hot. See rule #9.
11) I think of myself as laid-back, but upon further review, I'm actually probably pretty high maintenance...
12) Taking a camera out with you can be really fun. It can also provide verification that the girl you were talking to at the bar was as cute as you thought she was...(pics tomorrow....mwah hahahahaha!)
13) Playing electric guitars at 3:30 in the morning is cool in West Ashley.
14) Playing a trumpet in a Howard Johnson hotel room at 4:30 in the morning is NOT cool in downtown Charleston.
15) On the 7th day, God created Waffle House, gave Man the intelligence to scatter, smother, cover, and chunk hash browns, and the stupidity to eat them at 5:00 in the morning.
16) Jan 1 can't come soon enough. This kid's ready for some change...

There's a ton more from this weekend, but I think the pictures will do it more justice than my poetic waxing...

On This Day in History...

2004-12-16T08:58:00.000-05:00

The Great-Grandaddy of Rock & Roll was born on this day way the hell back in 1770...I've always enjoyed listening to classical music, but have never gone out of my way to do it - knowwhatimean? Last Saturday, though, I got a backstage look at the Charleston Symphony Orchestra's performance of Handel's Messiah. It was pretty cool! I think one of my (many) New Year's Resolutions will be to do something cultured like that once a month.

I don't think it would hurt to check out one of the many museums here on a Saturday instead of lounging on my couch ordering Papa John's and watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVDs (which I will still do from time to time - in addition to playing poker, running the best damn kickball league in the US of A, and hitting the occasional open mic and/or karaoke night)...

What are your resolutions? For you slackers that haven't thought about it yet, here are some ideas (read: my resolutions). If yours isn't on here, post it here - that way, it's in print forever, and you HAVE to see it through then!

The Right is just as Wrong as the Rest of Us...

2004-12-14T19:35:00.000-05:00

You've got to be kidding me...I'll never believe another soul that tells me that the Conservative Right, Moral Majority, Bible-thumpin', God-fearin', "Salt of the Earth" folks are in power, and are going to impose their will on all of us...

I present to you, dear readers, the latest reality shows to air on Fox. "Who's Your Daddy?" and "Big Shot." Coming soon to a 60-inch plasma screen near you...

The fact that these shows are on - in addition to the fact that "Desperate Housewives" recently beat "Survivor"'s finale, People are cussing like sailors on Nip/Tuck, and hot women and buff men are eating horse butt covered in pig vomit on "Fear Factor" - tells me that while the folks that have "family values" are just as guilty of watching trash on tv as the rest of us...

And I use "us" intentionally - I completely dig Desperate Housewives, Nip/Tuck, and I'd eat just about anything for $50,000!

see you in hell...

To Live and Park in Charleston

2004-12-10T19:31:00.000-05:00

So, I was just reading the City Paper article about the parking issues of our fair city, and I don't know what people are so pissed about. Well, I mean I do know, but the ones that are pissed are the lazy clowns that won't walk more than a couple of blocks to get where they want to be.

Then, later that day, I came across this. Pay with Toys instead of cash?!? Give a needy child something they need, instead of $10 to a city that's already making money off of me at every turn??!?!

Wouldn't it be really swell, if our little town gave back once a year? I brought this idea up at work today, and got pretty readily dismissed. But, while this week kicked my ass, I'm bringin' it back soon in some way, shape, or form - cuz it's really good, right?

Oblivioids and Dickazoids

2004-12-08T20:18:00.000-05:00

Not earth-shattering, ground-breaking news (not that you've come to expect that here anyway), but felt this one was worth slapping up on the 'ol Slip and Slide...

And in all fairness, I am TOTALLY guilty of Dickazoid example #3 - cuting in on exit lines off the highway at the last second. Or as I like to call it, "The Jersey Bypass"

This Post Brought to You by Wham-O!

2004-12-07T15:45:00.000-05:00

It is busy as all get out right now - you know, the kind of busy where the phone rings and you read emails while talking to your co-worker, and the book with the highlighted quotes you were gonna type into a presentation you've got to give in 30 minutes sits next to the invitation you need to proof for the office holiday party that you're heading...you know, that kind of busy...

I know what you're thinking, too. What the hell are you doing typing this then? Well, o inquisitive ones (and voice inside my head), When it gets like this, I either get really calm and focused on one thing, or I get all wound up, and start bouncing like a super ball off of everything around me - paying about 3-5 minutes worth of attention to everything around me.

Zing! email.
Pow! presentation.
Ping! biz research.
Pong! a little blog action.

Wham-O! back to work...

kickball superstar?!?

2004-12-05T02:02:00.000-05:00

Um....probably shouldn't be posting this right now, but I guess, at the very least, future me will find this slightly amusing...on some level...

Karaoke's fun, ok? I probably sang 8 songs tonight, and had a ridiculously good time doing it.

And I didn't just stare at the little tv screen in front of me and drone out what I was reading, oh no - I was down on one knee, singing "Bed of Roses" to two girls.

God have mercy on the woman that can deal with me...

Start Spreading the News

2004-12-03T17:54:00.000-05:00

Just got back from Thanksgiving break and a biz trip to NYC. Craziness abounds, ladies and gentlemens...craziness abounds. I feel like I've lived a month this past week, and have come away a more learned man.

1) United sucks.
2) Amtrak is cool. Even at 5AM.
3) People love high fives. Admit it, you do, too.
4) Travel brings out the best - and worst - in you. Ever want to get to know your true self - and those around you? Sit in an airport for 6 hours.
5) Radial Arteries - when nicked - spurt blood quite far.
6) Broadway kicks Hollywood's ass. Support your local theater(s), folks.
7) I was right. And then some!

I'll elaborate on each one of these over the week - cuz (in the best Hank Hill voice you can muster) "I tell you what" - they're worth elaborating on...

The American Way

2004-11-24T15:48:00.000-05:00

"If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day and do it really half-assed! That's the AMERICAN Way!" - Homer Simpson

These folks, on the other hand, went on strike - and I LIKE IT!

The 1st Official Slip and Slide Reader Poll!

2004-11-24T11:59:00.000-05:00

Ok, dear readers - now that k-ball is over until April/May, what you gonna do? I'll post the results next week for everyone to see. You may not care, but I'm a numbers geek, and love to see stuff like this!

Also, you'll see that I mention youth kickball league...things are in the works there...stay tuned...

One of These Things Is Not Like The Others

2004-11-23T13:49:00.000-05:00

So, I've been working on this seriously huge project for a client of ours over the past couple of weeks (Scary, right? My point exactly - read on). Last night, I had to sit down with our Chairman for about 3 hours and go over it with him - word by word, and point by point.

Speaking of points - here's mine:

Ever wondered, "What the hell am I doing in this room with this person/these people?!? Don't they know that I drink 40 oz bottles of King Cobra Malt Liquor (it busts a cap in other malt liquors asses, y'all) while playing kickball? Have they any idea that I drive a car with expired tags and a busted side view mirror (I was sober when I did that)?"

Well, if you don't, I do - and have.

It's not all freak-out central with me, though, cuz here's how the story ends - usually. I generally find that I feel that way for the first 10-15 minutes of a meeting like that - basically until I've had the opportunity to hear the person say a couple of things, and the chance to respond.

I wonder if they're ever thinking that stuff...will that feeling go away when I get older? Cuz, I'm getting older every day, and I still get it...

Deep Thoughts - From a Shallow Man

2004-11-21T22:35:00.000-05:00

So, tonight was Sunday Night Jambaroo at a buddy's house. After the rock extravaganza, we tuned into a little TV. The perfect shows to watch after a couple of hours of six-string, gun-slinging wizardy, appear to be Desperate Housewives and Nip/Tuck. Hadn't seen either one before...I've seen "Asshole" in print twice, and heard "Shit" at LEAST 10 times!- OH! And I just heard the mutha scratchin' P WORD! FCC Be Damned!

It was the first time I'd seen either show, cuz I'm normally at home (like any self-respecting worker bee, with dreams of world domination) watching HBO Sun-ohmygod these two girls are totally making out, and now their guy friend just got invited in! Ok. Sorry. HBO Sunday Night. It's got good stuff! The Wire is kickass, and I have to admit, I'm totally down with Family Bonds, too. holy crap, back to the two girls and the guy again!

Anyway, I was gonna write about how i'm really starting to worry about the laser-focused ability to mobilize an effective grassroots movement to demonstrate against "indecency" and the extraordinary power now being wielded by the same group -and how it's starting to cause pansy-assed self inflicted censorship that I'm seeing in newspapers, and tv and radio, but two people are now having sex in the shower, and am completely distracted - but feeling a little better...

hehehhe....asshole...heheheh

@%**$$#!!!!!

2004-11-18T17:41:00.000-05:00

I was gonna write a nice, lighthearted funny little post here, cuz this afternoon, I finished a MAMMOTH piece of work at my job that's actually going to be presented to the head of a major cable television network - (I've been working on this thing for over a week!)

BUT...

Right before I pushed "send" to zap it over to my boss so we could review it, I decided to play it safe and save it one last time...

Long story short - I saved an older version of the report over the newer one...So, I just spent the last hour re-writing stuff I KNOW I wrote already, and probably wrote better before (since I'm PISSED right now at myself!)

Maybe I'll do the funny post after my blood pressure subsides, which should be sometime next week...

I'm going outside to smoke now...

The Envelope Please...

2004-11-18T16:11:00.000-05:00

And the winner is - "Damnit! We can't even score virtual ass..."

Check next Thursday's post for the next contest & giveaway!

The 1st Official Slip and Slide Caption Contest!

2004-11-11T13:08:00.000-05:00

I will give an official WAKA kickball to the person who can write the funniest caption for this picture...deadline is Thursday, November 18th - High noon. Just post your caption as a reply to this post! If you sign in as anonymous, leave your first name and last initial (e.g. John D.)...

If you wanna see a larger version of the picture, just click on it...

Damn, that's a funny picture...

Your 2004 Sack Panthers

2004-11-10T16:44:00.000-05:00

We're good enough.

We're smart enough.

And doggone it, people like us!

We look good - We play good...

2004-11-10T10:02:00.000-05:00

Holy crap - we won! It's down the Elite 8 now, and tonight is the biggest game of our kickball lives, as we step on to the field to play For The House (currently 7-0). For The House - I love y'all, but the Sack Panthers have a nasty habit of stepping up and being Giant Slayers...granted we also are known to lose to the worst team in the league 10-0... See you on the fields, folks...

2004-11-09T17:13:00.000-05:00

Last week I fell in Colonial Lake going after a foul ball. Coming up out of the water, I was the one who was foul...Keep your fingers crossed that I don't have a repeat performance tonight...

Colonial Lake - Where Jay ends and "The Swamp Thing" begins..

2004-11-03T13:55:00.000-05:00

The Kickball Gods were angry with us, my friends.

Last night's games had to be canceled due to "technical difficulties." Today, Webster's Dictionary defines "technical difficulties" as the process by which Charleston County Parks and Rebs Commission inserts their collective head up their collective, well...you get the picture.

The lights would not turn on last night, so we had to call the games off. I am impressed and proud of my fellow kickballers that were willing to play in the dark, pull their cars up and flood the field with Nissan, Jeep, and Honda artificial light, or just sit around and drink until we figured out what the heck we were going to do.

So, here's the deal in seven easy-to-understand steps - which i know is five less than your used to...

1) Last night's games will be played tonight. Same fields, same times (Show up on time, 15 Drunks!).

2) I will send out an email tomorrow night that lists who will be playing who (field and game times included) for Round One of the playoffs. All teams should be prepared to play tomorrow night!

3) Round One, Part One will be played tomorrow night (11/4), and will be the teams that are ranked #1 - #4, and #13 - #16.

4) Round One, Part two will be played NEXT TUESDAY night (11/9), and will be the teams that are ranked #5 - #12.

5) Round Two, will be played NEXT WEDNESDAY night (11/10), taking us to the Final Four.

6) Round Three, will be played NEXT THURSDAY night (11/11), and will be immediately followed by the Championship!

7) Our End of Season Party will take place right after the champs win the big game...more info on that to come. I didn't want to bury you with info. This is a LOT of stuff to digest...!

Don't worry, though - I plan to be the CNN of kickball for the next week - available 24/7, and constantly sending out information and updates.

I know this all seems a bit inconvenient, but remember - It's supposed to be 80 degrees and sunny today, and beautiful for the next week! We'll be out under the lights (kickball gods permitting), playing a game we all played in elementary schools all over the country. So, I'll grab the equipment bag, and the keys to the lights, you bring the beer, and we'll yell, scream, cheer, drink, stagger, and wake up in strange beds together for another 9 days...

God, I love this game...

An open letter to my parents...

2004-11-03T10:54:00.000-05:00

Looks like your crazy cowboy, shoot-em-up, never admits when he's wrong, horrible public speaker (nucular?!?), zealot won himself another four years as the leader of the free world. And I'm sure you voted for him, and the other Republicans...obviously, they know something that the Dem's don't...

I, on the other hand, voted a straight democratic ticket - the whole kit and kaboodle. I felt like I needed a shower afterwards, and that you and pop wouldn't love me any more, but I had to. I'm still a Republican at heart, but none of the people that I could vote for were what I'd call Republicans...

My version of Republicans are folks who like small government (and are slightly distrusting of it), and allow businesses to grow, as it provides the opportunity for any and everyone to become successful - if they work for it. Help instead of hand-outs, and the freedom to say whatever I want.

When did my party become about telling me that women can't choose to have an abortion, gay people couldn't marry one another, public schools are lost causes - unless they're in rich neighborhoods, and "family" (read: Christian) values had to be everyone else's values? When did they decide to bow to the crazy religious right and businesses who put profits over ethics. Aside from being white, I have nothing in common with those people.

That doesn't mean I'm now a Democrat, though - a person can have a mind so open that their brain falls out. A little steadfastness in one's beliefs is a good trait. I'm also not for hugs and kisses all the time. Sometimes punching back is right. And I'm certainly not for people having babies so that can get more of my money that I work hard for so that they don't have to work at all!

Anyway, my point is that repubs aren't repubs anymore. They're Christian crusaders, and I thought we had a separation between church and state - it's one of the principals we were founded on. Not to mention Christian crusaders vs. Islamic militants? Sound familiar? You helped me with a report about this in 5th grade. It was called The Crusades, and a lot of people got killed...

I'm lobbying for Nader from now on...
love,

your son

Vote! Or Else....

2004-11-02T15:58:00.000-05:00

GET OUT AND VOTE!

We've got a lot to decide on this year - a president, a senator, state reps, and above all else, whether or not to allow freepour liquor! So stop reading this, and head to your voting location.

Y'all kickballers didn't vote for me, and you see what you got...let that be a lesson to ya!

I promise I'll be back with all the news that's fit to - ah, hell. I'll be back with more kickball, flip cup, smack talk, and event information for y'all tomorrow...

Go Sox. Go America.

Sack Panthers and Chocolate Salty Balls Tonight

2004-10-28T08:30:00.000-05:00

Our opponent this week is none other than Chocolate Salty Balls. You'll recognize these nincompoops as the folks we routinely thrash at Flip Cup. A win in this final week gets us above .500 for the regular season (without having to equivocate over whether a tie counts as "not a win" or "not a loss") so I want you all foaming at the mouth in a berserker rage for victory. "But why, Bryan? Why must we hate our fellow man? Why can't we all just get along?" I'll tell you why, position by position:

Bryan Raynor - Captain of the

Sack Panthers and creator of "The Snorks"

Pitcher: Coined the phrase, "That's to die for!"

Catcher: Shot our twenty-fifth president, William McKinley.

First Base: Invented the Clapper -- and wrote the jingle.

Second Base: Does not know how a bill becomes a law.

Shortstop: Eats paste.

Third Base: Has vestigial gill slits.

Left Field: Is exiled Haitian dictator Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier.

Left Center: Roots for the Yankees.

Right Center: Refuses to salute those about to rock.

Right Field: Is the fifth dentist who doesn't recommend Dentyne for his patients who chew gum.

Bench Warmers: All former members of Menudo.

The game is at 7:15pm on Field B (that's the one covered in four-leaf clovers and magical buttercups, where the unicorns frolic from dawn 'til dusk). Teresa and I will referee the early game this week. Thanks to all who helped out with the officiating this season. We'll need to provide referees for the playoffs, so I'll continue to grovel for volunteers until we leave the field of play after the final game as the winners of the Kickball Cup or the Ghost Man Medal or whatever gaudy trinket we're due to receive after crushing our enemies, seeing them driven before us and hearing the lamentations of their women.

-- Bryan

Is the Ghost Man becoming a Ghost Town?

2004-10-27T10:17:00.000-05:00

Remember back in the day when I blasted the Wednesday teams for not showing up after week one's miserable turnout? Y'all made a proud papa out of me and turned Dengates into the weekly den of sin that it was meant to be - and I thank you from the bottom of my breaking heart.

"Breaking heart?" "Jay, say it isn't so!" "What can we do to help you feel better?" God, I love you folks. You're givers - every last fun-luvin' one of yous. Since you asked...You know what would make me feel all gooey inside?

I'd love for you silly, zany, wacky, creative, breathtakingly attractive people to send in write-ups to the down-in-the-dumps Ghost Man after your games this week. Send him some pictures too if you can. That poor S.O.B. has been crying on my shoulder for a couple of weeks now - "No one sends in anything!" "I don't have a lot to work with!" "Do you think I should have a doctor take a look at this?" ...and so forth...you get the idea.

The Ghost Man on Third is yours. It can be as big time blast buffoonery or as boring banal bummer as we want it to be. Personally, I vote for the funny. I like the funny. The funny's good, no? And since the GM so loves his "precious" (imagine him all 'Gollum-y' crouched over his - ohmygod. I just made a Lord of the Rings reference. Hi. My name is Jay, and I am an UberGeek.), let's send him some pictures, quotes, leather a$$less chaps, and whatever else you'd like to throw his way and make the GMOT worth reading.

So, get your special ed teacher to give you a circle of paper and your crayon, and jot down a quick mash note, hate-filled venom-packed smack attack, or your best Harry Carey-esque summary of your game, and send it on to our lonely, lonely ghost man.

Seriously, he's bugging me. And I hear tell he's cooking up some funny for the next newsletter too - cartoons, horrorscopes...Dr. Kickball might even make a comeback...and you wouldn't want to miss Dr. Kickball, would you?
Let's rally, team! I've seen y'all on the fields cracking jokes while your cracking beers. I've heard the Freedom Ponies whinny and dance to their theme music. I've smelled Chocolate Salty Balls' well...I've smelled Chocolate Salty Balls, okay?

This league is full of tomfoolery.
Send some of it the Ghost Man's way...

The Ghost Man contemplates his life choices during a writing break.

Mini-mess?

2004-10-25T17:02:00.000-05:00

The Smurf Village's ABC store....

Here's the scoop: from the Post and Courier's Saturday edition....

What do you think? Personally, I like the mini-bottles...they lend an air of camaraderie to drinking shots! How many other states can you say the words we all love to hear so much, "Bartender! Two shots, three ways!"

If the site makes you register, the jist of the story is minibottles vs. free pour. So what side are you on?...

News You Can Use!

2004-10-25T15:09:00.000-05:00

Hidily Ho, Kickballereenos!

Boy, have we got lots to talk about this week! I feel like I haven't spent enough quality time with y'all in awhile, so c'mon over here and I'll tell you a story - that's it - hop up here on my knee...My, you've gotten big! Comfy? Good. Lemme just put my glasses on, and we'll get started...

Ahem...

1) The Regular Season Endeth...
That's right, kids. We've approached the end of another season of Charleston kickball. I'm so proud of you all. From a rag-tag bunch of misfits, (What field are we on? What's equipment duty? Who the hell is this curly-headed freak that bombards me with emails on a weekly basis?) to a rag-tag bunch of misfits (Who's up for another beer? What inning is it? Anyone seen my shorts?), your metamorphosis into seasoned k-ballers is almost complete.
· Regular season ends this week - Wednesday teams still have one more to make up (See #2. Hehehe...#2...)
· Playoffs start Wednesday, 11/3 (#3's got the scoop on how to make to the dance.)
· Team Pics scheduled for 11/3 and 11/4! (#4 for info on immortalizing WAKA's Most Beautiful League)
· End of Season Party is scheduled for 11/11! (take a look at #5 for preliminary info on how we plan on saying adieu to another season in the sun...)

2) Same Bat-Time, Same Bat-Field...
Remember way back in September - you know, when the sun still shone, people were tan (except yours truly), and Charleston County Parks & Rec booted us on a Wednesday night so they could use our fields? Well, your games have been rescheduled for next Tuesday, November 2nd. Same times and same fields. So, if your game on 9/15 was at 6:30 on Field B, then guess what? You're playing on 11/2 at 6:30 on Field B!

November 2nd is also Election Day, so get out and vote - then come play some ball! Remember - if you don't vote, bad things can happen. No one voted me into office, and look at what you got - a power mad, criminally insane wannabe court jester with an intellect rivaled only by his set of shiny garden tools...

3) The Big Show(s) - coming soon!
Both the regional WAKA President's Cup tourney, and our own playoffs and division championship are right around the corner. Look for an announcement in the next day or so about who will be representing the SC Lowcountry in the Regional Tournament on November 6th.

For everyone else (including the team that goes to Regional), we've got playoffs and a championship to keep our kick fix going for another few weeks...Who's gonna be the Cinderella story? And I'm not talking about the time Kevin from the Lagerheads dressed up in his sister's tutu and touched everyone's heart with his interpretive dance of "Someday My Prince Will Come." Man, that was awesome! So, who's gonna step up and take it all? Who's gonna blow it Yankees style?

Check the website soon for the tournament tree, but here's how it's all gonna go down:
Round One will take place 11/3 and 11/4 - We'll go from 16 teams to 8. And just like in NCAA hoops, the #1 seed will play the #16 seed, #2 plays #15, #3 plays - who? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? That's right #14, and so on...
· Round Two takes place 11/10 - We'll go from 8 teams to 4 and Pete Z. will go from obnoxious clown to belligerent ape when his team loses by one run because he pegged yet another runner in the head with the ball...
· Round Three AND the Championship will be 11/11 - 4 teams will play, and the winners will immediately play each other in a steel cage, a spiked ball, and explosive-laden bases! Actually, they'll just play on Field A, but someone should bring some sparklers or something - that'd be cool...

Kenny Rogers has been scheduled to sing the National Anthem...of Yemen. Then he will serve delicious rotisserie chicken to all.

4) In an attempt to capture your soul for WAKA...
We will have a photographer from Charleston Picture Company at the fields on 11/3 and 11/4 taking team pictures, and action shots of the games. So get there on time so that your team can have a picture taken before your game! A link to the photos will be posted on our webpage, and the photos can be purchased online through Charleston Picture Company. I will personally autograph your picture with, "Have a great winter! See you next spring!" if you'd like. It won't mean much now, but when I die in some scandalous "E True Hollywood Story" fashion, that baby's value will skyrocket!

5) Remember the Mid-Season Party?
I don't either. But we're getting ready to do it all over again - soon! This season's party will be on Nov 11th - right after the championship game!) Between now and the party be sure to drink lots of water, take lots of vitamins, and learn to become comfortable with your body. I've seen things at end-of-season parties that'd make Ron Jeremy blush...

So, that's it - for now...and I can see you'...re getting sleepy. Remember, you can always call or email me with questions, comments, love advice, or marriage proposals.

Now, run along, little scamps - but in the meantime, stay up-to-date with all things k-ball and Charleston right here, and the official WAKA website...
-Jay

Dear Frankie Mulletino

2004-10-22T15:45:00.000-05:00

To my lovely friend who shall remain nameless: Thank you so very much for the strategically placed stain on my ass last night. The ladies really enjoyed it, and dogs from as far as Goose Creek came to catch a whiff of my backside...

I thought of you today as I saw this clip. You were only about 1/2 a beer away from this yourself last night, my dear...

Ponys Go Down with Style; Bombers Go Down in Flames

2004-10-22T08:49:00.000-05:00

Even though they lost 19-1, The Freedom Ponies get it. They were getting spanked on the field - yet spanking each other off the field. If they want to play next season, I will move heaven and earth to make sure they play on Thursday nights, AKA "when the big boys play". Then again, they're making a name for Wednesdays now, so maybe I should leave them there to usher in the new recruits next season. Lord knows I can't do this forerever...It's your call, Ponies...

And just as a follow up to Wednesday's post, The Sack Panthers did in fact beat the Yagerbombers! I warned 'em....Oh, yeah - one more thing: Brad and Dusty - I like my PBR cold and in a can...

Battle of the Network Scars

2004-10-21T14:46:00.000-05:00

Last night, during my usual presidential duties, I was at the fields checking out the games, goofing off with the players, and looking forward to the Sox coming back from the dead to defeat the damn Yanks.

Next thing I know, Jess E, from the Ballers takes a spill for no apparent reason, and isn't getting up. After the initial moment of seriousness, she was able to joke about the fact that she had, in fact, dislocated her knee - again. When I took a closer look at her knee, I could see a big ol' scar from a previous surgery. I think scars are cool...They're like tatoos only accidental...

I've got a few scars myself (in addition to the mental ones left by family, women, bosses, etc)- my wrist and forearm, my hand, my chest - and as of this morning - my back. I had a piece of me cut out this morning, and it left a three-inch scar.

In my usual open-book, semi-shock value candor, I let everyone know about my procedure today, and I didn't know it was gonna open a Pandora's box. Have you ever noticed if you talk about scars, show someone your scar(s), or mention the word scars, people feel compelled to talk about, or better still, show theirs? I love that!

Clearly, I don't have much to write about today...maybe tonight I'll get a scar on my head...

Sack Panthers To Down Yagerbombs Tomorrow Night!

2004-10-20T12:36:00.000-05:00

With but a few weeks remaining in the k-ball season, I thought I'd start the Smack Talk ball rolling with a guest appearance and opening salvo from my friend, my brother-in-arms, and the captain of the Sack Panthers, Bryan Raynor. Here's what he had to say about tonight's game. Listen - and learn....

Bryan Raynor - Captain of the
Sack Panthers and President of
the Joey Lawrence Fan Club.

I just spent a weekend with my family, and boy howdy, am I tired. They said they were just coming to visit and see the sights, but that turned out to be a ruse. Apparently, they felt it necessary to stage an intervention to address my alleged "addiction" to hard-core Internet pornography. I mean, really -- does a library of thousands of images depicting the various and sundry combinations and permutations of man and woman (and occasionally a few more women and another man and maybe a marmoset) engaged in the act of love, with Emmanuel Lewis' face Photoshopped onto those of the participants, really constitute an "addiction?" That's not weird, is it? We've all engaged in a little bit of image manipulation involving the face of a former child star, right? I'm sure at least one of you has a hard drive full of Skippy from "Family Ties" as the saddle in a Reverse Cowgirl. Anyone...?

This week's opponent is the perennially misspelled Yagerbombers. These illiterate nincompoops have gone three seasons without realizing that everyone's favorite Red Bull additive is called Jagermeister (from the German for Soldier (Jager) and Master (Meister)). They've asked me to try to keep the game moving as quickly as possible, because they've got plans afterward -- they're all going to put on skirts and dangly earrings and head to an Ashlee Simpson show, and they don't want to miss the opening act. Let's oblige them by beating them like rental donkeys.

The game is at 6:30pm on Field A. An interesting fact about the history of Field A, gleaned from one of hundreds of carriage tours I endured with my parents this weekend: while the first shot of the War Between the States was fired from Fort Johnson, the second shot of that war was fired from Field A. A group of drunk cadets, and the "shot" consisted of said cadets opening a can labeled "Mixed Nuts" containing novelty practical joke spring snakes in the general direction of Fort Sumter, and then giggling. Still -- when you're sliding face-first into second base, remember, the dirt in your nostrils is rich with the loamy smell of history!

There are two weeks left. If we win out, we will finish above .500 for the first time in our franchise's storied history, with momentum on our side going into the playoffs. You know a kickball trophy would look great between the ribbon signifying your third place finish in the drag show at Club Pantheon and the autographed picture of you with your arm around Richard Dean Anderson, TV's MacGuyver.

So let's get to it.
-- Bryan

Go Sox!

2004-10-19T09:50:00.000-05:00

Boston Red Sox : The Official Site

14 innings?!? Damn! Kind of makes you wish our kickball games couldn't end in a tie, huh?...Then again, we'd be playing until 11PM - which would seriously cut into flip cup time...

How 'bout Survivor Flip Cup? I'm willing to throw down...

Monday Metal Monday!

2004-10-18T16:45:00.000-05:00

Hey folks! Just thought I'd let everyone in on a little nugget of fun, or what I like to call a "fugget." Metal Monday at Cumberlands ! (I know that the link says Johnny Ola's, but it just moved to Cumberland's last week) It starts at 9PM...Y'all should come on out. AC/DC to Zepplin, and everything in between is played by a live band while you live out your dashed dreams of rocking the stage! Heroin, anger management, and groupie problems sold separately...

Kitten Killers - No Girls Allowed?

2004-10-18T12:46:00.000-05:00

I know bunting is frowned upon, and there has been a lot written on the subject. But as much as we try to fight it, as much as I decry it, and as much as k-ballers pretend to dislike it, bunting - or "kitten killing" - works. I'd like to propose a rule change, however...

I think that only the dreaded "man-bunt" should be allowed. Sexist? Maybe. Stupid? Probably. Silly? You bet. But how much fun would it be knowing that when the ladies step up to the plate, they're gonna be kicking for the fences...everytime...

Just a thought...

The End of Days

2004-10-16T13:10:00.000-05:00

It's getting colder, it's getting darker, and girls are wearing pants. Yep - we're approaching the end of another Kickball Fall Season. That whole tournament thing (see the post below) sucks how it went down. Hopefully, next season, WAKA will coordinate everyone's schedules so that there doesn't have to be a last minute scramble to finish early.

damn pants...

This is why we don't allow bottles and cans on the field!
Think of the squirrels, people!

In the true spirit of the game

2004-10-11T18:33:00.000-05:00

Folks -
There comes a time in every president's term in office when he's gotta make some hard decisions. Bud or Bud Light? Jager bomb or Mind Eraser? Blonde or Brunette? Well, have faith that your sage and salacious Prez is always looking out for your, and therefore, his, best interests.

That said, I was handed a kickball issue/opportunity (or as I like to call it - an "opportissue") recently, that has had me mulling the best course of action that best looks out for you lovely, lovely people. That issue is an upcoming tournament that WAKA has asked us to host here in Charleston! How cool is that?!?

Well, after thinking about it for awhile, I asked the Board to help me (by the way - the next time you see a board member, say 'thanks' or give 'em a hug, or kiss me - I mean, them, on the cheek - the parties, the fields, the lights, the equipment, the scheduling doesn't just take care of themselves), and then we asked team captains (another tough job that's worth a firm handshake and a noogie) from across the league to weigh in on the matter.

But then, I remembered something. It's just kickball, people. We're playing kickball here. This ain't the pennant race, no one's getting points docked for cussing, and none of us is getting paid to play. It's a social activity (not gonna even kid myself calling it a sport) that brings us fun loving, beer swilling, arrested development suffering, crazy kooky people together week after week. Hell - I think y'all are so fun that I come out Wednesdays AND Thursdays to the fields just to see your shiny happy asses out there.

Ok - enough of the build up. What do all of these strange words from an ever stranger man mean? Here's the deal:

On November 6 th , we will be hosting a President's Cup Regional Tournament! Because there are now numerous WAKA divisions around the country, WAKA is having regional rounds of the President's Cup on November 6, 2004 prior to the final games played up in Washington, DC on November 20, 2004. We'll be sending Hood Rich (last season's champs), and, (here's where all the thinking and calling and deciding lead to) the team that is ranked #1 on 10/24. In the event that there is more than one undefeated team, Kickball Kelly has a "Difficulty of Schedule" calculator that she will use to determine the #1 team. She also has a really cool protractor and T-square.

The other option was to cram the remaining three weeks of k-ball (plus the Wednesday make-up games) and season playoffs into the next two weeks. That meant playing on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 6:30. 7:15, and 8PM, a make up day next Tuesday (for the missed Wednesday games) and an all-day Saturday playoff to determine the champ. Kelly and I drew up the schedule and presented that option to the board and the captains. The count was literally split down the middle.

So, because it's even-steven, we're going to proceed with the regular season and playoffs as scheduled. I understand both sides of the deal, here. I know it might've been tough for folks to schedule their days around a bunch of kickball stuff. I also know that it's a shame we can't send our "real" divisional champion to the tournament. But, remember folks? It's Just Kickball. For the half of the league I just pissed off by letting you know what the decision is, say this with me - "It's just kickball. Once a week, I get together with my friends, and kick a big red rubber bouncy ball, run the bases, and when i'm in the field and the ball comes my way, I hope like hell that I catch it. Then, I go to Dengates, drink beer from small plastic cups and flip them over."

Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn't it?

So, for my "just get to the point" peeps out there, I apologize for not doing this sooner, but here it is:

There's a WAKA tournament on 11/6
Our schedule will not be affected.
Hood Rich and the team that's #1 on 10/24 will play in the tourney.
Lots of thought went into this decision.
I think you guys and gals are super nice.
We will still have playoffs and a division tournament. NOTHING IS CHANGING.

If you've got questions about all this stuff, feel free to call or email me. I'll be glad to discuss it with you. And sugar, if you're reading this, we can talk about this over dinner and movie. We'll drink too much red wine and speak in haikus and/or iambic pentameter.

Now, the Ghost Man is right behind me, itching to send out the latest WAKA scoop and pics on the party, the fields, and the bars.

Thanks for being the cool big kids that you are. Remember - it's kickball, people.

And I love it. -Jay

2004-10-06T10:17:00.000-05:00

The epitome of all that is good and bad within me...